Coming back to this story is difficult but I felt the need to clarify how it should be read.
This was always meant to be a cautionary tale to those who believed themselves lost and thought they were the only ones. But more than just a tale of woe this blog served as a sort of outlet for my guilt and pain, like cheap therapy without some asshole telling me what I already knew. I was broken when this was started, and I was broken when I wrote the final entry long ago. But time continues on and pain heals if you let it.
So this WAS my story, but no longer. There really are only 4 entries that need to be read, and they are clearly titled as "The Begining Of The End Parts 1-3" and "Epilogue". Beyond that are just observations and my feelings AT THOSE TIMES.
Thank you for your time.
Epilogue
Its true that regret is just insight that comes a day too late, it is an odd emotion because it comes only after reflection. It lacks immediacy...so its power rarely influences events when it could have done some good. I know this now to be a terrible truth. I cannot change the past but I can not be sure knowing that will ever make any difference.
This is the last entry in "My Quarter Life Crisis", Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Blakely Williams
Have you heard?
Have you tried to understand?
It's all right
It gets easier with time
How are you?
Are you ever coming back?
I have changed
And I realized I was wrong
I was wrong
Now I'll never see your face...anymore
Oh my love, I'd give anything
For one more day with you
I'm getting through
I wish you felt the way I do
I have changed
And I realized I've was wrong
I was wrong
Now I'll never see your face...anymore
Oh my love, I'd give anything
For one more day with you
I was wrong, I was wrong
Now I'll never see your face...anymore
Oh my love, I'd do anything
For one more day with you
I'd do anything
For one more day...
I'd give anything for one more day with you
This is the last entry in "My Quarter Life Crisis", Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Blakely Williams
Have you heard?
Have you tried to understand?
It's all right
It gets easier with time
How are you?
Are you ever coming back?
I have changed
And I realized I was wrong
I was wrong
Now I'll never see your face...anymore
Oh my love, I'd give anything
For one more day with you
I'm getting through
I wish you felt the way I do
I have changed
And I realized I've was wrong
I was wrong
Now I'll never see your face...anymore
Oh my love, I'd give anything
For one more day with you
I was wrong, I was wrong
Now I'll never see your face...anymore
Oh my love, I'd do anything
For one more day with you
I'd do anything
For one more day...
I'd give anything for one more day with you
Begining Of The End, Part Three
The month between losing my family and then taking the trip to see them again was one of the worst in my life. Those first few days were spent waiting on calls from my wife and trying my best not to break down every couple of minutes. I talked for hours, I apologized hundreds of times, I bought a plane ticket. Sleep did not come easy for me and I began to plan my move to Colorado, a plan that would not come to fruition for 10 more months.
I was not in the right frame of mind and had no one in my life left to help me through my situation. The supposed "friends" I had at work all turned against me which made going in for 9 hours a day utter hell on top of what I was already going through. To speed up the time frame I decided that stealing from said job and selling the items was a decent idea. I had never committed a crime in my life and for a time it worked. I had saved enough money to finance a lavish trip to Colorado and even more to help with my eventual "big move". This of course would not last and I was caught. Apparently someone had reported my relationship with a coworker, a relationship I had ended the day after Christmas, to the higher ups from another store. I had already decided to stop stealing and had almost enough to move but I needed one last score just to make sure I would be alright. This was the day management looked into my supposed relationship, this was the day I got caught stealing.
After being arrested I thought my life could not get any worse. I was making mistake after mistake and I missed my family terribly. All I had was my daily conversations with my wife and children to look forward to, we talked and talked and I was told there was hope for us to be together again. I had blown much of my funds on bail but had enough for my trip still, so I flew out.
When I arrived at the home of my wife's parents I was promptly informed that I was not allowed inside, that parking in front of the house would not be tolerated by my father in-law. I kept quiet and just enjoyed my visit. We had a wonderful time, and when I had to leave goodbyes were said with hugs and long meaningful kisses from my wife. I would see my family once more in April, when they traveled to see me this time, again goodbyes were said with hugs and kisses being exchanged. Hope was alive and in force and I was told there was a future to be had.
Because of my short flirtation with being a criminal I had to stay in California, making weekly visits to the courthouse for my case. It seemed that my employers wanted to pin much more on me than what I actually stole. I had in fact returned a little less than half of the merchandise I had lifted in perfect condition and unopened packaging but they had seen me as an opportunity to get a huge "apprehension" and blame everything and the kitchen sink being taken on me. Because the store had no proof of 70% of these stolen items my case was dragged on and on with continuations, stalling the verdict because the District Attorney wanted more and I had no previous record. Finally in July of 2010 my case was closed, leaving me with a misdemeanor and restitution to pay. I was shocked but very ready to finally get on with my life.
It would not be until October of 2010 that I could finally afford to make the move. I saved up enough money and was granted a transfer from my current job so I would even be employed in Colorado! I had expected my family to be waiting with open arms after almost a year of daily conversations and planning, what I got was very different. When I arrived in Colorado after a 19 hour drive it was 11 PM and my family had gone to sleep, after a wonderful reunion with my children they were off to school. My wife gave me the slightest of hugs and was angered when I attempted a kiss. I was also reminded that I was not allowed to park near their home. The next few weeks were difficult as I was sleeping in the cab of my small Ford Ranger and seeing my children every chance I could. It was getting closer to winter but I could not enter the house, so me and the kids read a book each night before bed on the front porch, this is the closest I was allowed to coming in.
After two weeks of sleeping down the street in my truck my father in-law asked a neighbor to call the police on me, saying I was a vagrant and a nuisance. Luckily the neighbor was very kind and informed me of this, listening to my story and understanding my intentions.
Once the weather had started to get worse, growing ever closer to the snow season, friends of my wife allowed me to sleep on their couch until I was able to secure a place of my own. Sleeping in my vehicle had begun taking its toll on me as I was becoming ill, I will forever be grateful to these kind people for opening their home to almost a complete stranger. In November 2010 I was taken to dinner by my wife and told there was no hope for us. There were no feelings for me and not a shred of love left. I was crushed, this was the true end to everything I had worked so hard for, this was the ultimate punishment for how much I had hurt her.
So things went on like that, I attempted to deal with being let go, still holding out bits of hope but finally giving in to my agonizing pain so that I did not loose her entirely. I agreed to sign whatever paperwork. To stop wearing my wedding ring. To stop trying to make her love me. A week later my wife came to me and told me there was hope, she still had feelings for me, and for a time things were good. We rebuilt a friendship and continued a relationship, always having to keep it secret from her parents for fear of them becoming angry.
Angry that their daughter would repair her marriage.
My kisses are now met with a cheek, my statements of love are met with a friendly "Thanks, see ya later", and I have to plan time to see my children. I am told me and my wife "will always have a connection" but that it wont go much further. I now live a shadow of a life, spending every moment I can with the children whom I adore. She is still my best friend and we spend a great deal of time together but she is not mine to have and hold. I would still try and move mountains for her.
So this is the way my story ends, not with a bang, not with a happy ending, but with a whimper.
I was not in the right frame of mind and had no one in my life left to help me through my situation. The supposed "friends" I had at work all turned against me which made going in for 9 hours a day utter hell on top of what I was already going through. To speed up the time frame I decided that stealing from said job and selling the items was a decent idea. I had never committed a crime in my life and for a time it worked. I had saved enough money to finance a lavish trip to Colorado and even more to help with my eventual "big move". This of course would not last and I was caught. Apparently someone had reported my relationship with a coworker, a relationship I had ended the day after Christmas, to the higher ups from another store. I had already decided to stop stealing and had almost enough to move but I needed one last score just to make sure I would be alright. This was the day management looked into my supposed relationship, this was the day I got caught stealing.
After being arrested I thought my life could not get any worse. I was making mistake after mistake and I missed my family terribly. All I had was my daily conversations with my wife and children to look forward to, we talked and talked and I was told there was hope for us to be together again. I had blown much of my funds on bail but had enough for my trip still, so I flew out.
When I arrived at the home of my wife's parents I was promptly informed that I was not allowed inside, that parking in front of the house would not be tolerated by my father in-law. I kept quiet and just enjoyed my visit. We had a wonderful time, and when I had to leave goodbyes were said with hugs and long meaningful kisses from my wife. I would see my family once more in April, when they traveled to see me this time, again goodbyes were said with hugs and kisses being exchanged. Hope was alive and in force and I was told there was a future to be had.
Because of my short flirtation with being a criminal I had to stay in California, making weekly visits to the courthouse for my case. It seemed that my employers wanted to pin much more on me than what I actually stole. I had in fact returned a little less than half of the merchandise I had lifted in perfect condition and unopened packaging but they had seen me as an opportunity to get a huge "apprehension" and blame everything and the kitchen sink being taken on me. Because the store had no proof of 70% of these stolen items my case was dragged on and on with continuations, stalling the verdict because the District Attorney wanted more and I had no previous record. Finally in July of 2010 my case was closed, leaving me with a misdemeanor and restitution to pay. I was shocked but very ready to finally get on with my life.
It would not be until October of 2010 that I could finally afford to make the move. I saved up enough money and was granted a transfer from my current job so I would even be employed in Colorado! I had expected my family to be waiting with open arms after almost a year of daily conversations and planning, what I got was very different. When I arrived in Colorado after a 19 hour drive it was 11 PM and my family had gone to sleep, after a wonderful reunion with my children they were off to school. My wife gave me the slightest of hugs and was angered when I attempted a kiss. I was also reminded that I was not allowed to park near their home. The next few weeks were difficult as I was sleeping in the cab of my small Ford Ranger and seeing my children every chance I could. It was getting closer to winter but I could not enter the house, so me and the kids read a book each night before bed on the front porch, this is the closest I was allowed to coming in.
After two weeks of sleeping down the street in my truck my father in-law asked a neighbor to call the police on me, saying I was a vagrant and a nuisance. Luckily the neighbor was very kind and informed me of this, listening to my story and understanding my intentions.
Once the weather had started to get worse, growing ever closer to the snow season, friends of my wife allowed me to sleep on their couch until I was able to secure a place of my own. Sleeping in my vehicle had begun taking its toll on me as I was becoming ill, I will forever be grateful to these kind people for opening their home to almost a complete stranger. In November 2010 I was taken to dinner by my wife and told there was no hope for us. There were no feelings for me and not a shred of love left. I was crushed, this was the true end to everything I had worked so hard for, this was the ultimate punishment for how much I had hurt her.
So things went on like that, I attempted to deal with being let go, still holding out bits of hope but finally giving in to my agonizing pain so that I did not loose her entirely. I agreed to sign whatever paperwork. To stop wearing my wedding ring. To stop trying to make her love me. A week later my wife came to me and told me there was hope, she still had feelings for me, and for a time things were good. We rebuilt a friendship and continued a relationship, always having to keep it secret from her parents for fear of them becoming angry.
Angry that their daughter would repair her marriage.
My kisses are now met with a cheek, my statements of love are met with a friendly "Thanks, see ya later", and I have to plan time to see my children. I am told me and my wife "will always have a connection" but that it wont go much further. I now live a shadow of a life, spending every moment I can with the children whom I adore. She is still my best friend and we spend a great deal of time together but she is not mine to have and hold. I would still try and move mountains for her.
So this is the way my story ends, not with a bang, not with a happy ending, but with a whimper.
Begining of the end, Part Two
The only way I could continue this story is drunk, so here we go...
In October of 2009 I packed my things and moved to work friends home, the very home that was located above a girl from work who cheered me on for my "new life". Make no mistake I knew what was happening, I knew this girl liked me and that my new position would please her. Did I care that I was leaving my children and wife alone to fend for themselves? Apparently not. So I moved out, bought a futon for the living room I would be sleeping in, Went to work, ignored my wife and children, moved on with my so called life.
When I did go back to my family I was a zombie, a shadow of what a father should be. The second my wife came home I was gone. She attempted to spend time with me, offered to watch a movie or even just talk, but I would not have it. Only now do I realize the reason I could not stand to be around her was because I knew the choice I had made was wrong and that I was still very much in love with her.
By mid November I had secured my own apartment with a "friend" from work and was seeing the very girl who told me I needed to move out. We had very little in common and almost never talked about anything of substance and to be honest I was not attracted to her physically, but she told me I was amazing and wanted to be around so I imagined she was someone I needed. In the back of my mind I knew things were unraveling but like everything else I ignored the signs.
It was the beginning of December that I was told my family would be leaving, moving to Colorado with Her parents where there would be support and a home. I pretended to be OK with it, I tried to convince myself everything would be fine and I could stand being so far away. It was on Christmas Eve that I started to come around, removing my head from my ass. I did not get to see my children open their gifts on Christmas Day like I had every year of their lives. I assembled the presents around the tree and waited, I waited for hours, but my wife and children never came home. It was during this time that I started to realize what I had done, and that my life would never be the same.
On Christmas Day, on the porch of what used to be our home, I begged and pleaded. I cried out to her to stay, that I would take care of them, and that I was sorry, but it was not enough.
December 28th 2009 is the night I lost my family. I was on the phone with my wife, begging for her to wait as I sped down the freeway. She was crying, telling me how much she did not want any of this, how much the children were suffering for what was happening. I could hear her parents screaming at her that they needed to leave, screaming swear words about what I had done, and trying to rush her out the door because they knew I was coming. I remember her words so clearly that I shall never forget them, she told her parents in a pained voice that they do not know how hard this is, that she did not want to leave. These words did not stop them from taking my family, and punishing me for all the wrong I had caused.
After that night I would not see my wife and children for an entire month. After that night, everything I once had was gone. After that night my life ended.
In October of 2009 I packed my things and moved to work friends home, the very home that was located above a girl from work who cheered me on for my "new life". Make no mistake I knew what was happening, I knew this girl liked me and that my new position would please her. Did I care that I was leaving my children and wife alone to fend for themselves? Apparently not. So I moved out, bought a futon for the living room I would be sleeping in, Went to work, ignored my wife and children, moved on with my so called life.
When I did go back to my family I was a zombie, a shadow of what a father should be. The second my wife came home I was gone. She attempted to spend time with me, offered to watch a movie or even just talk, but I would not have it. Only now do I realize the reason I could not stand to be around her was because I knew the choice I had made was wrong and that I was still very much in love with her.
By mid November I had secured my own apartment with a "friend" from work and was seeing the very girl who told me I needed to move out. We had very little in common and almost never talked about anything of substance and to be honest I was not attracted to her physically, but she told me I was amazing and wanted to be around so I imagined she was someone I needed. In the back of my mind I knew things were unraveling but like everything else I ignored the signs.
It was the beginning of December that I was told my family would be leaving, moving to Colorado with Her parents where there would be support and a home. I pretended to be OK with it, I tried to convince myself everything would be fine and I could stand being so far away. It was on Christmas Eve that I started to come around, removing my head from my ass. I did not get to see my children open their gifts on Christmas Day like I had every year of their lives. I assembled the presents around the tree and waited, I waited for hours, but my wife and children never came home. It was during this time that I started to realize what I had done, and that my life would never be the same.
On Christmas Day, on the porch of what used to be our home, I begged and pleaded. I cried out to her to stay, that I would take care of them, and that I was sorry, but it was not enough.
December 28th 2009 is the night I lost my family. I was on the phone with my wife, begging for her to wait as I sped down the freeway. She was crying, telling me how much she did not want any of this, how much the children were suffering for what was happening. I could hear her parents screaming at her that they needed to leave, screaming swear words about what I had done, and trying to rush her out the door because they knew I was coming. I remember her words so clearly that I shall never forget them, she told her parents in a pained voice that they do not know how hard this is, that she did not want to leave. These words did not stop them from taking my family, and punishing me for all the wrong I had caused.
After that night I would not see my wife and children for an entire month. After that night, everything I once had was gone. After that night my life ended.
Time for a change
I started part one of this story with the intent of finally getting the whole story out there, after all the reason this blog exists is for me to describe the events that led me here in life right? After starting part 1 I found it incredibly difficult to type. It took me darn near 3 days to pump out the two paragraphs that i did type, and now I expect myself to bang out parts 2 and eventually 3? So I have come up with an idea I hope works. I am going to complete the last 2 chapters of my depressing tale...and then make that the conclusion of this blog. It is time for a change, one that is positive and infinitely more creative than dwelling on my bad decisions. I have much more interesting, funny, and uplifting things to say and once the third chapter is complete I will tell those. I may not get the forgiveness I seek from others, but I can try and forgive myself. I am done moarning, I am tired of being punished for mistakes I learned from, its time to put that knowledge to work and continue on. Part 2 is on its way but I have made a choice to leave the past in the past....
Its time for a change gosh darnit.
Its time for a change gosh darnit.
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Begining of the end, Part One
It is time to come clean, time to explain, hopefully after this it will be time to let go of all that guilt I have carried for what seems like forever but is really just over a year. I am ready to do what i created this blog to do.
Part One: In Septemeber of 2009 I was living in Natomas, a small subsection of Sacramento CA. I had a job as a security guard for Target, boring yes but it paid most of the bills. I shared an apartment with my wife, 2 children, and a roomate who was a friend from high school who I held in high regard. By all accounts I had a decent life and a happy family for the most part.
It was during this time that I befriended several younger coworkers at target. I am not sure now if I was looking for trouble or if It was all coincidence, but for whatever reason I became deeply depressed. But instead of going to the one person who had always taken care of me and could have helped me, my wife, I instead retreated into myself. I know now it was fear of becoming like my mother, who is a manic depressive and Bi-polar, but at the time I could not bring myself to believe the problem lied within myself. Because I was in denial of my own issues I began to blame the one person who noticed I was having a problem, and since she was trying to help me, my wife became the enemy.
I started sleeping on the couch, ignoring my family, seeking advice and council from my target friends, becoming a shell of who i once was. I decided that because things had become so bad at home that it was time to move out. To abandon my family. Starting over would be easier to do than fixing myself, right?
Now the real fun started......
Part One: In Septemeber of 2009 I was living in Natomas, a small subsection of Sacramento CA. I had a job as a security guard for Target, boring yes but it paid most of the bills. I shared an apartment with my wife, 2 children, and a roomate who was a friend from high school who I held in high regard. By all accounts I had a decent life and a happy family for the most part.
It was during this time that I befriended several younger coworkers at target. I am not sure now if I was looking for trouble or if It was all coincidence, but for whatever reason I became deeply depressed. But instead of going to the one person who had always taken care of me and could have helped me, my wife, I instead retreated into myself. I know now it was fear of becoming like my mother, who is a manic depressive and Bi-polar, but at the time I could not bring myself to believe the problem lied within myself. Because I was in denial of my own issues I began to blame the one person who noticed I was having a problem, and since she was trying to help me, my wife became the enemy.
I started sleeping on the couch, ignoring my family, seeking advice and council from my target friends, becoming a shell of who i once was. I decided that because things had become so bad at home that it was time to move out. To abandon my family. Starting over would be easier to do than fixing myself, right?
Now the real fun started......
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Lets raise the stakes shall we?
I have been trying to decide on a new direction for this little collection of thoughts I have started. It has occurred to me how bleak and depressing each entry is becoming. Granted I did set out to describe the events which would ultimately end in the worst year of my life, but as I get farther away from those events they seem to matter less and less to the present. And so I am left, much like in my daily life, wandering and alone with no real direction. So what has changed? Not much on the outside. A few new cuts and bruises, nothing to worry about.
But on the inside....oh I am ready for something. Anything. I am tired of waiting, tired of regretting, just plain fucking tired of living in the past. I want a future now. Most of all I do not want to spend my future alone. Ive spent too many chapters of my life saying I am sorry and hoping to be forgiven. Hoping that I might get a sliver of time, a cracked smile, dare I beg for another kiss? Not anymore.
I have told myself over and over that I am not trash. I will not be thrown away and given up on. Holy hell I think its starting to sink in.
So what now? I have assessed my self worth and found it to be more than previously listed. Do I sit and wait for someone else to figure this out, essentially waiting for forever, or do I force myself to go another direction. That is a topic for another entry.
But on the inside....oh I am ready for something. Anything. I am tired of waiting, tired of regretting, just plain fucking tired of living in the past. I want a future now. Most of all I do not want to spend my future alone. Ive spent too many chapters of my life saying I am sorry and hoping to be forgiven. Hoping that I might get a sliver of time, a cracked smile, dare I beg for another kiss? Not anymore.
I have told myself over and over that I am not trash. I will not be thrown away and given up on. Holy hell I think its starting to sink in.
So what now? I have assessed my self worth and found it to be more than previously listed. Do I sit and wait for someone else to figure this out, essentially waiting for forever, or do I force myself to go another direction. That is a topic for another entry.
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