Lets raise the stakes shall we?

I have been trying to decide on a new direction for this little collection of thoughts I have started. It has occurred to me how bleak and depressing each entry is becoming. Granted I did set out to describe the events which would ultimately end in the worst year of my life, but as I get farther away from those events they seem to matter less and less to the present. And so I am left, much like in my daily life, wandering and alone with no real direction. So what has changed? Not much on the outside. A few new cuts and bruises, nothing to worry about.

But on the inside....oh I am ready for something. Anything. I am tired of waiting, tired of regretting, just plain fucking tired of living in the past. I want a future now. Most of all I do not want to spend my future alone. Ive spent too many chapters of my life saying I am sorry and hoping to be forgiven. Hoping that I might get a sliver of time, a cracked smile, dare I beg for another kiss? Not anymore.

I have told myself over and over that I am not trash. I will not be thrown away and given up on. Holy hell I think its starting to sink in.

So what now? I have assessed my self worth and found it to be more than previously listed. Do I sit and wait for someone else to figure this out, essentially waiting for forever, or do I force myself to go another direction. That is a topic for another entry.